Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Acting Another Age

I now have bright parrot-green glowing finger and toe nails, within 24 hours I will be dying my hair a dark rosy-pink. The grey hairs on my head are sprouting left-and-right with the ferocity of dandelions in a summer lawn, I may as well face the fact that my ass is in fact getting old: I'm a ripe and juicy 32 years of age, I found my first grey pube a month ago. I just got out of the Army a week or so ago so it's not like I have anyone to answer to, the way I see it I might as well fight aging the best way I know: By all out rebelling against it.

I'm wearing a bright orange paisley dress that barely holds my tits up, I'm also contemplating my 4th tattoo.

I'm not afraid of getting old, I know it will happen eventually. But all of this seems a little too soon for me. I'm currently unemployed and looking forward to being a 32 year old Freshman in college, I don't have a smart-phone because I can't afford one and I never really bought that "Keeping Up With the Jones's" nonsense. Every time I go for a run my knees sound like a freshly prepared bowl of Rice Krispies, I'm so old I actually know more about how to file taxes than the average H & R Block guy.

Realizing you've aged is a really strange feeling. Little changes here and there, sure, then one day I look in the mirror to more bumps, scars and craters in my skin. I'm just not ready to trade in my Tampax for Depends, those things are expensive! I guess what I find the most disturbing about getting older is that I am not where I thought I'd be by now. THAT sucks: I can dye over grey hair, get a boob-job if I felt it necessary, liposuction  etc... There's just no un-doing certain decisions.

I'm looking forward to turning into a relentless Cougar, however.

If I could take what I know NOW and transfer that wisdom into my 16 year old self, I'd be ruling the planet in a leather corset-dress and a horde of my very own bitches. I guess that's why atheism suits me so well: I know I can't actually do that, I only have this one life to live so I have to make the best of it now and face rewards and consequences in real-time instead of some fictional ether-realm.

The biggest waste of a person's time really is religion, I spent my entire teenage life as a Bible-Thumping homophobe and wasted about 11 years plus who knows how many thousands of dollars with Wicca and New-Age meditation circles and ghost-hunting clubs. I am NEVER getting any of that back, not the time nor resources expended on badly formed ideas with no tangible benefit other than putting up a veneer of "enlightenment" to impress people.

It was one more excuse to be odd, but now I don't need it. I'm too old for faerie stories now, and to me it just seems downright silly that there are people actually combing fields and forests for live faeries in 2013.

Ghost Hunters are still on national syndicated television: Oh grow up already!

I'm hoping that within my lifetime, now that we live in an Information Age (where ignorance is largely a choice) I'll see fewer and fewer crystal-cleaving cults or ghost-hunting frauds polluting peoples' minds the way they jumble-fucked mine as a youth. But I think I'll actually end up WEARING Depends before I ever see it disappear entirely.

My tattoos will look like shit by then, but I won't care. Who in their right mind is going to chide a little old lady for painting her nails Martian-Jizz Green or dying her hair pink?

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