I Want to Go For a Walk!

I know, I know: Where the bloody-grunge-fuck have I been? Do you want the simple answer or the needlessly complicated one? Short & sweet answer, ever since the start of the Fall 2014 semester at the University of Arkansas started, I've been balls-deep in academia with almost no free time of my own. The really complcated answer involves school, sure enough, as well as relationship issues, a slight 'complication' that arose as a direct result of running out of medication, a road trip to lovely Boulder CO, spending way more money than any human being should ever have to on text-books that I'm only ever going to use ONCE, and a whole bunch of other shit. 

I'm fine, John & I are both fine, school is going fine: For the most part, everything is under control. 

A handful of former squad-mates have been in contact with me with their own alarming news about what's been going on in their lives, both as current and former members of my previous Unit (I deployed as a member of the 40th Expeditionary Signal Battalion to Iraq in 2010, they were a collective clusterfuck of religious fundamentalism and general top-heavy incompetence: From what I've learned recently, not much has changed since I ETSed in 2013.) For their sake, I'm not going to go into what exactly has been going on for them because there's a chance, albeit a small one, that it may put them in immediate danger. That, and I don't think they'd take too kindly to having their personal/professional affairs being thrown all over the internet like chum over shark infested waters.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I have a unique opportunity coming up soon: A plan is in the works for me to give a small presentation about religious extremism within the American military, as well as issues faced by non-believing soldiers, at the University of Arkansas on March 8th. I was asked by the secular student RSO, Occam's Razors, and I'll be the first to admit that while I'm super-excited to be giving such a presentation, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. 

I've never had my own public event like this before, EVER.

Most events like this presented by Occam's Razors are free and open to the public, until I hear otherwise from them I'm going to safely assume that this one will probably be the same. I'm chomping at the bit, but I'm also just a little bit fucking terrified. That's not a whole lot of time to throw a Power-Point presentation together, and I need to gather information from the most accurate sources I can find (I have a few in mind.) 

I'll TRY to stay on top of things & keep you good folks up to speed. The last couple of months have just been tiring and stressful. My vacation in Boulder was fantastic and very well needed, and maybe as I find time I'll write a post about THAT, but for now I'm going to focus on my school-work and coming up with material for this presentation. 

Be good to each-other, dammit.

RANT: Abortion Bullshit

Some days I don't know why I bother keeping my Tumblr account active, the art blogs seem to be the only thing keeping me there. What does that have to do with the subject of abortion? I'm glad you didn't ask (really, you'll find out why soon.) The fall semester has barely started here at the University of Arkansas, and within 48 hours of it officially kicking off, there were ALREADY a group of people from a pro-life organization handing out these little cards to students: 

Arguably, not THE most horrifying thing I've ever seen, but it still irked me. 

YOU didn't ask to read this blog post, and you don't have to. Seriously, if you can't handle this kind of conversation (for whatever the reason) it would probably be a good idea to close this tab RIGHT NOW and go on with your day. I didn't ask to be stopped on the way to the library by this peice of propaganda nor the people distributing it: They seemed to be packing up & leaving just as I got my hands on this. Universities and Colleges are, by their very definition, a place for learning and career preparation. I'm a die-hard vegetarian and I would be just as pissed off about PeTA doing this exact same thing: True, they have every right to share their opinions with people, but I ALSO have every right to object AND to voice my objections. 

And I DID...

...In my own, not-so-subtle way (fun fact: Once the item being distributed PHYSICALLY LEAVES the original distributor's hands, I have EVERY RIGHT to do whatever I wish with it, if I so choose.) 

Was this a very mature & civil thing of me to do? In hindsight, probably not. I admit, I ripped up the card out of vindication and anger: I am not obligated to "respect" any ideology that doesn't consider me a full-blooded human being because of my reproductive organs, wether it's a religion or political party. They have every right to speak their opinions and distribute their propaganda to the public, and I have every right to LITERALLY tear their opinions to shreds. As long as there's no physical violence involved, it's perfectly legal.

As soon as I posted these images to Twitter and Google+, I started getting some mixed feedback: Just over half of my friends and regular contacts seemed to voice their support, for which I'm grateful. A few thought that ripping it up probably wasn't very nice, and while they're welcome to voice their opinions, I really don't care for the most part. When I put it up on Tumblr however, BOOM! I've never seen one of my posts take off that quickly by so many people!

An overwhelming majority of them (at the time of this writing) claiming to be pro-life MEN. 

Now, I'm not one of those feminists that thinks men shouldn't have a say in the abortion debate because they can't get pregnant: If anything, I think that comedian Dick Coughlan's story clearly demonstrates the need for (civil and constructive) participation by men and women alike. I just can't stand people who are in no tangible position to benefit (nor detriment) from someone else's choices trying to tell them WHAT CHOICES TO MAKE. And I guess the thing that really made me angry about this particular card is the "human beating heart" line. Even if the "heart" CAN beat, so fucking what? Who are YOU to try and guilt ME into making  a choice that you approve of? Especially when "keeping it" has the possibility of destroying, or even ENDING, my very life? 

So yes, I AM going to destroy every single one of these things that I come across for the rest of the semester. Immature? Maybe, but I have every right to be bothered by this. What's in it for ME? Personally, if I can make free and reasonable counter-measures against bringing someone else unnecessary guilt and shame, I'll do it gladly. Think I'm a feminazi bitch? Think what you like, it's not like you can STOP ME. 

I also have every right, IF (emphasis on IF) I so choose, to destroy a Bible or a Koran if I don't like something written in it. The same goes with any book, any symbol or any object that is MY sole posession and property.

I tore up a stupid little card because I felt like it, big fucking deal. 

It's the same as a Chick tract or an unwanted coupon for carpet-cleaning service.

A peice of paper is NOT fucking sacred.

26-August-2014 UPDATE: The Tumblr post in question already has nearly 300 notes on it, it's only been up for a few hours. It looks like people are actually FIGHTING over it... um, not at all my original intent, but I'm kinda glad I at least got a few "conversations" going.

Obligatory Atheist Q & A

We are so common on the Internet, our forums, discussion pages, and YouTube channels are seemingly everywhere. I really shouldn't have to do this, but I feel like I do. I find myself being asked some rather nonsensical questions as of late, as well as a few pretentious holier-than-thou types claiming that they know this and that about what I actually think and feel (Fun fact: THEY DON'T KNOW SHIT.) And while most of my conversations with people are actually rather pleasant, the UNpleasant ones seem to be happening somewhat more frequently since I started school. Shit happens, I guess.

So here it is, YET ANOTHER list on the Internet. 

• "Why are you atheists always so angry?" I may use a lot of colorful language in my posts, and yes I have some anger as a human being, but for the most part that doesn't have anything to do with my atheism and anti-theism. If you were trapped on the other side of the globe for a year surrounded by people who, for the most part, didn't give a flying lizard clit if you lived or died, especially when something happened that actually put your own life in danger and almost no one did anything to help, YOU'D be angry too. And while my experiences in Iraq were a big part of what brought me to shedding religious belief, I also have to give credit to Richard Dawkins and George Carlin for ultimately convincing me that it's okay to NOT have an imaginary friend.
• "Why are you so disrespectful against others' beliefs?" Ah, see, here's where people get confused about a fundemental element of life in the civilized world: People have every right to believe as they wish, so long as they aren't opressing or harming anyone else. I could give a shit less what people believe or if they believe anything at all, that doesn't absolve anyone's thoughts, beliefs and especially actions from criticism. HUMAN BEINGS (and some would argue animals as well) have rights, THEIR IDEAS do not. I am a very real flesh-and-blood person, I have rights under the laws of my country of residence and the Geneva Convention. If you punched me in the face for no good reason at all, I have every right to drag you to court and have you prosecuted over it. Let's say that I believed in a floating purple octopus that gave me friendly advice from time to time and that ONLY I can see it. If someone sent me a message on Facebook or Twitter saying that the very idea of my floating purple octopus was stupid, it might hurt my feelings but there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Why? Because criticism is not a crime, and that's what separates the developed world from countries like Saudi-Arabia, Ireland, Brazil and other countries where criticizing religious belief can land you into legal trouble.
• "People have the right to believe what they want, y' know!" That they do, just like I have every right to critique, question, or even mock the ever-living piss out of it IF I WANT TO.
• "You think you're so much better than ________...!" In the case of some recent events that I had a hand in unfolding, it shouldn't exactly be a hard pill to swallow in saying that yes, I AM A BETTER PERSON than a certain misogynistic, self-loathing, racist bigot who thinks of women as little more than breeding/pleasure automatons and openly called for the genocide of all Muslims; THEN had the audacity to not only ignore my VERY CLEAR WARNING to never contact me again (which is grounds for a stalking/harassment lawsuit, I might add...) but sent his cyber-homunculus to call ME the hateful one because I called them both out on their bigoted, self-righteous, holier-than-thou bullshit: Yes, I can honestly say that in that ONE EXTREME CASE, I am a much better person than to stoop to their level of shit-baggery. Any sane and rational person should have no difficulty whatsoever with evaluating such a situation and arriving to a similar conclusion. On the whole, though, my criticisms of religion as well as the behaviors of many religious people aren't because I want to "feel better about myself." I see a problem, I analyze it, and I call it as I see it. I also do my best to NOT resort to Ad Hominem if I can help it.
• "Debate me, EVOLUTIONIST! Or you're a coward!" Speaking of needing to feel better about one's self by way of insulting or degrading others, not every atheist out there is a scientist (even though an overwhelming majority of scientists in the United States openly admit that they don't believe in God.) It shouldn't have to TAKE a scientist to engage common fucking sense. Some people need EVERYTHING explained to them because they can't seem to figure it out on their own, and if asked an honest question I don't normally have any problem with providing an honest answer. Sometimes, that answer is going to be "I don't know." No human being on Earth knows absolutely every goddamn thing, and that's fine. If you want to debate with someone about science and evolution in particular, go find an actual scientist willing to mop the proverbial floor with your half-baked ideas. I'm just a college student.
• "You're angry at God!" No more than I am at the tooth fairy. And it's very "ungodly" to make presumptions against a person's character of whom you know nothing about, one might take such statements as an accusation without any evidence: There's no possible way that you can know what another person is thinking or feeling, so provide some evidence or just don't say dumb shit like this. That kind of behavior is called being a judgemental asshole, something that Jesus had very specific warnings about.
• "You know God exists, you just love your sin!" Again with the presumptuous accusations... Really, I think any statement such as this one isn't actually an argument at all, it's a baiting tactic designed to catch me off guard or provoke me: "I'm going to accuse you of being something you aren't, therefore God." Please, don't waste my time with this bullshit. If you have to accuse people like this to prove your sense of moral superiority, then your morals are shit.
• "You're taking the Bible/Koran/Rede/Dianetics out of context." If you want to claim that such texts are the unerring and perfect word of your chosen deity, you can't ever use this phrase in an argument: You're not going to sit there and tell me about gay sex being an abomination against God while wearing mixed-fabric clothing and stuffing your face with coconut shrimp. Even if you just like the light-hearted lovey-dovey messages of Jesus without all that icky Old Testament stuff, you can't ignore his condonement of slavery (Ephesians 6:5, 1 Timothy 6:1-2 and Luke 12:47-48.) I'm using the Bible for this example because it's the most common holy book in the United States, and as such the majority of my conversations along these lines are with American Christians. I have just as much disdain toward willfully ignorant proclamations coming out of the Koran, the Rede, the Upinishads or others as I do the Bible: Fun fact, I have read ALL of those.
• "It's ironic that atheists talk so much shit about religion when they don't believe in God..." Yes, in much the same way that doctors talk about things like cancer when they would like nothing more than to see it's eradication. Also, many atheists talk about religion in the same way that police officers talk about things like drugs, murder, y'know, crime in general... WHY? Because just like cancer and crime, religion DOES wreak it's own distinct form of havoc on civilized society, especially when it so strongly influences they way people vote and behave.
• "Stop persecuting me!" If you're an American Christian, you're an idiot for saying this. No one is breaking into your home in the middle of the night, raping your mother and sisters, murdering your entire family right in front of you, burning your house down and putting you into a camp. Y'know, like what fundamentalist Christians, Muslims, Jews, Catholics etc have been doing to eachother for centuries and even today. Saying this because you didn't get your way in an election or legal matter is just plain asinine and untrue. You have no grounds comparing a tantrum to an actual atrocity. 
• "You can't draw Mohammed! He's sacred to Muslims!" Sacred to MUSLIMS, not to ME: I am not a Muslim, ergo I am not subject to their religious rules, so... 

• "Why do you feel the need to criticize other peoples' beliefs?" Because when I get people telling me that I'm "lost," call me a "sinner," or going to an imaginary place just because I don't subscribe to their particular brand of socially constructed misery, I AM GOING to call them out on it whether or not they like the idea. How is it perfectly acceptable to threaten someone, mostly children but other adults as well, with hellfire and eternal torture unless they agree to and openly endorse a specific brand of bullshit, yet I'm somehow the asshole because I challenge their bullshit claims? 
• "Oh well THAT'S just the extremists that do that, it's not ALL _______s." There's a term called enabling: Anybody who has friends or relatives with addiction issues is probably familiar with the concept, it basically means that while you WISH someone wouldn't do a thing, when they do the thing anyway you sheild them from the consequences of their actions because you THINK you're "saving" them. Dismissing extreme behavior as irrelevant is a form of enabling and it's irresponsible as fuck. If "only a few" McDonalds employees and restaurants had been systematically abusing children for the last several decades, meanwhile McDonalds as a corporation repeatedly tried to cover it up and shame the victims instead of actually correcting the problem, Micky-D's might be out of business in a matter of months.
• "If you left the church, then you were never a TRUE Christian/Muslim/Jew/etc..." Then by your own bullshit rules, for all anyone really knows, neither are you. Furthermore, there'd be no conceivable way for you to be able to accurately tell the difference anyway, so this is ultimately a bullshit statement.
• "So-and-so who did X Y or Z horrible thing wasn't a TRUE Christian/Muslim/Jew/Hindu, etc..." I shouldn't have to explain what essentialism is OR the 'No True Scotsman' fallacy at this point. Again, you don't get to dismiss someone's actions or identity because they don't happen to coincide with what you consider to be correct behavior. 
• "So EVERYONE who believes in God is a moron according to you?" Not at all, I have many friends and relatives with whom I disagree about a great many things, to include the existence and/or relevance of God(s) or an afterlife. I rather like having friends that disagree with me on things like this, not only does it keep the conversation enjoyable and challenging, but it's kinda like a reality check for me: Every so often, I'm wrong about stuff. 
• "Hitler was an atheist!" No, actually, he really wasn't. He was a murderer and a horrible person, but most certainly not solely because of his beliefs (though, from his own words, that didn't help things.)
• "Stalin was an atheist!" And he was still a shit-head. It's not your beliefs, or in atheism's case absence thereof, that make you a good or bad person: Your ACTIONS toward others determine what kind of person you are, not your IDEAS. However, it should be noted that ideas and beliefs DO directly influence one's behavior, hence why many atheists and anti-theists have such a big beef with religion in all of it's forms. 
• "If you don't believe in God, then where does your morality come from?" It's very rare that I actually get asked this anymore, but it's worth noting because the few times I DO get this question the conversation seems to deteriorate very quickly afterward: If you need an imaginary friend to tell you that not only are rape/murder/theft WRONG, but give you half-baked reasons as to exactly WHY they are wrong, then I have to call YOUR moral reasoning into question because it demonstrates a lack of critical reasoning. If you were told by your parents growing up that it's okay to break into other people's houses, you do so, then the home-owner shoots you in the face (and MAYBE you die as a result) you were still in the wrong because your reliance on authority figures to guide your actions clearly failed: Just because someone appears to have a position of power DOESN'T mean they're right about everything. Just ask the last asshole that tried to break into my house! But to answer the initial question, mutual respect shouldn't exactly be a difficult concept to grasp. My parents brought me up never to do upon someone else what I wouldn't want done upon myself, as in "don't hit people unless they hit you first" to give an example. True, I'm not always "nice" to people 100% of the time 24/7, but that doesn't mean that I seek to actively do them harm.
• "If you don't believe in God, then what will happen to you when you die?" Cremation.
• "Aren't you scared of being sent to Hell?" Aren't YOU scared of being sent to Mordor? THAT is what you sound like when you ask that dumb shit.
• "Don't you want to go to Heaven?" Don't you want to go to Las Vegas? I can go to Las Vegas, I've been there before. Las Vegas is a real place, it's existence can be demonstrably and conclusively proven, whereas Heaven or Hell cannot.
• "But the Bible/Koran?Misc. holy text says that God(s) exist(s)!" I have in my immediate possession an autographed photo of Neil Armstrong, I had the honor & privilege of meeting the man and shaking his hand in 2010. Neil Armstrong has since passed away, the photograph coupled with his signature verify that HE, the real flesh-and-blood human being, actually existed at one point in time. This physical evidence can be examined, tested and peer-reviewed. A holy book written centuries ago, however, can no more verify the existence of the people that claimed to have written it nor confirm the existence/accuracy of it's subject matter. A holy text is no more proof of the existence of a deity or afterlife than a Batman comic would be proof that Batman/Bruce Wayne is a real flesh-and-blood human being like Neil Armstrong was.
• "But people still get good morals out of religion." Even IF that were true (see my previous explanation about where moral reasoning really comes from and why appeals to authority are bullshit) that doesn't necessarily mean that those "morals" are actually any good or have practical, real-word application in the long term. Not gambling because it's a waste of time and money isn't necessarily the same as not gambling because your imaginary friend doesn't like it: One reason is practical and sensible, the other doesn't make any sense.
• "Why can't you just believe in SOMETHING?" I can no more force myself to ignore my critical reasoning process than I can force my taste-buds NOT to recoil at the smell and taste of onions. In the end, I can only ever be myself. 
• "Deep down, you really believe in God." Why? Because YOU want me to? That's rather arrogant, don't you think? Again, that's an empty assertion and a false accusation: There's no way that you can say anything like that with any measure of certainty, so don't fucking say it.
• "You worship the Devil!" I'd gladly worship Tom Hiddleston's throbbing cock, with my eager mouth, if I ever got the chance (as well as his informed consent.) Because unlike the very real Tom Hiddleston, the Devil is just as imaginary as your so-called God. When you really think about it, if either of THOSE TWO did exist, the Devil can't really do a damn thing without God's foreknowledge and consent: Which means that the so-called supreme embodiment of everything evil and sinful exists because God purposely allows it to, and not only that, knowingly gives him the go-ahead to do horrible things. Kinda says something about what kind of a passive-aggressive cunt God is, doesn't it? 
• "I know you're just begging to be 'SAVED!'" That'd be about as true as saying deep down, you'd love a giant rubber cock in your ass. Maybe you do, maybe you don't: Unless you give me explicit and clear informed consent for me to go ahead and whip out that ol' strap-on, I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT ANOTHER PERSON TRULY WANTS OR THINKS, because NEITHER DO YOU! Fucking Christ on crystal meth, I hate accusatory assertions! 
• "But I'm not a bad person for believing in God..." As previously mentioned, what you believe in of itself doesn't determine this. It's how you behave toward others that makes you a good or bad person. And using religious belief as an excuse to behave in a way MOST people consider wrong or illegal, doesn't de-facto make your action GOOD: It just makes you a weak-minded twat.
• "But... but... JESUS/MOHAMMED/L. RON HUBBARD!!!" Um... Cthulu, Zalgo, Slenderman, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, blah blah fucking blah. Excitedly proclaiming the name of your chosen holy figure to reaffirm your stance really doesn't mean anything at all, it just makes you look like an ignorant asshole.
• "You atheists are all just condescending know-it-alls!" Some of us certainly are, most of us don't try to deny or dismiss a couple of fucking losers that bear the banner of atheism out in the open for their own means and ends. For another example of atheists being jerks, go onto Tumblr and look up what an M.R.A is. The difference is that for the most part, I don't think anyone is trying to brush them aside with the ages-old excuse "Oh well they're not a TRUE atheist" in quite the same way that religious people do for those of their respective faith who misbehave. 

There will probably be more at some point in the future, no guarantees at this point as I have been VERY BUSY with school (and my so-far straight-A record can attest to this.)

Essentially, no idea or belief is above criticism or reproach, especially when said ideas and beliefs are used as an excuse to justify acting like a total ass. Eventually, I think religious belief will become so wishy-washy and watered down, or so extreme and disgusting, that most reasonable minded people will disregard it entirely and just live their fucking lives. 

The eventual iradication of religious influence might not necessarily solve all of the world's problems, but it'd probably knock a decently sized chunk out.

Text-Book Definition of Awkward...

Sometime last year, I wrote a 4-part series of stories about a sketchy "Spiritual Leader" who was operating in Portland Maine in the early 2000's. Well, here's what's up: I have a Final due tomorrow, so I've been working myself to exhaustion trying to get that one last essay finished before class and I decided to take a wee YouTube break to entertain myself. While I'm thoroughly enjoying the fruits of my recent discoveries in the creepy-pasta short-horror genre, it's getting dark outside and I sought out something a bit more light-hearted in nature for this evening's delights. I found myself looking up YouTube videos of parrots behaving oddly. Macaws, cockatoos, amazons, you name it. 

I used to have a pet cockatiel way back in the day, her name was J.J. She was the sweetest little thing with wings, I sure do miss her. 

So here's me, killing some otherwise useful cramming-time looking up video clips of these adorable birds, when I happened to click on ONE of a Hyacinth Macaw sitting with it's owner out on a porch. I realized too late that I didn't quite read the owner's name clearly before I had actually clicked the link, but by then it was far too late and the video began to load anyway. I KNEW the name looked familiar, followed by the Z. initial after it. Then when the video itself actually began to play, I took a good long look but I barely recognized his face. He no longer resembles the Z. that I once followed, it was his voice (and the name & user-icon of his YouTube channel) that gave it away.

Do you have any idea what a weird feeling it is to see the face & hear the voice of someone you've grown to despise over the years, mostly because you discovered far too late that that person wasn't who or what they said they were, then to accidentally stumble across their social media posts out of the blue about a decade later WITHOUT EVEN ACTIVELY SEEKING IT OUT TO BEGIN WITH?!?!? I'm not going to link his content directly from my blog because I don't want him or his followers contacting me, not now and not ever. If you're REALLY that curious though, and I personally recommend that you NOT do this, the Hyacinth Macaw's name is apparently "Scooby" and there are several videos on his YouTube page featuring this particular bird. 

I already have enough skeletons in my closet to raise an army of the undead and lay seige to the realm of the living, I really didn't want nor do I need this. 

And yes, I'm making a bitchy blog-post about it because seeing his aged face and hearing his voice has dragged up a whole mess of shit from my past that has taken THE LAST 10+ YEARS OF MY LIFE to de-program and work through. There are New-Age circles, there are Wiccan covens, and then there are people like Z. that passive-aggressively demand your utmost devotion and obedience, along with regular "donations" that you'll never find out what they're actually being used for. 

Seriously, I could have happily lived out the rest of my life without ever having experienced this: The second-hand knowledge that someone who hijacked my at-the-time vulnerable brain for several years is apparently still up to his usual Chopra-esque shit-baggery. For real, aside from his physical appearance, according to his profile it looks like NOTHING AT ALL HAS CHANGED over the 10+ years since the last time we spoke. He's still selling his obscure brand of New-Age BS, just slapped a slightly different brand-name onto it. If there ever existed a male version of Sylvia Browne, it'd be THIS GUY!

Angry? You bet your ass I'm angry, and I'm consciously trying very hard NOT to be. Anger is a very natural human emotion that should never be ignored, and I have every right to be pissed at Z. for all the poison he pumped into my brain over the years AND had the gall to charge me money for it. I recognise that many people might find my anger a bit intense, and that's completely fine. Anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I find ways to put my anger to constructive use whenever I can, and I'm actually not angry because I WANT to be, beacuse I really and truly DON'T. I would love to be able to forgive people who've actively done me harm and wash my hands of things, this would be a wonderful thing to be able to accomplish and probably better my emotional health as well as my own person growth as a human being.

But I can't. Try as I may, I just fucking CAN'T. 

Forgiving someone like Z., who clearly isn't sorry for lying through his teeth to people for money, would be counter-productive because he is still actively causing harm to the people that pay him for his bullshit pseudo-spiritual conspiracy theories (wether he realizes this or not is irrelevant, it doesn't change the fact that NOTHING HE SAYS can be substantially proven.) I can count on just one hand how many people have actually apologized to my face for the bad things that they've done to me, and I won't even have to use every finger on that very hand. It's pathetic, people these days seem to have NO CONCEPT of accountability for the consequences of their bad behavior. Shit, I'm a straight-up asshole to people but even I KNOW when I've gone too far! 

Now I have this essay for my English Final, plus three separate assignments within the same class, all due TOMORROW. 

I can't work like this, so I'm going to play some MINECRAFT and forget life on Earth for a while. 

Great, and now Hyacinth Macaws are ruined for me, also.

Creepy-Pastas

Holy shit-a-brick, why didn't anyone tell me about these things YEARS AGO!?!? If you don't know what a Creepy-Pasta is, it's basically a short horror story or collection of stories surrounding a scary subject. Creepy-Pastas are basically online urban legends and folklore, there's even a term for phenomena like Slenderman called "fake-lore." Fake-lore is, pretty much, exactly what it's spelled out as. 

I can't stop reading these things, these short little stories are addictive. There are even Narrators that get paid (mostly via Patreon) to read them on YouTube or other Internet media. 

 

THIS is my favorite one of all time so far: I should warn you, it's extremely disturbing...

It's also a long one, but it's divided into sections jike entries from a blog or journal. So if you want to take a break after each entry, it's easy to do so.

The Left Field: Episode 9

I very recently had the pleasure of being featured on a British Video-Podcast called The Left Field. I had to wake up very bright and early, I made just enough coffee for John & me, however I neglected to leave enough time for a decent breakfast. Just as my "invite" to the Google+ Hangout was received, my cat knocked over my half-full coffee mug (and I would swear that she did it on purpose) spilling my only chemical addiction all over the bedsheets that I washed & folded not even four days ago. 

Little bitch. 

I pop into view about 6 minutes into this episode (which lasts about 2 hours) and you can clearly see me trying to wipe up my favorite morning beverage from the surface of the very bed that I was sitting on. Please enjoy Episode 9 of The Left Field, co-starring myself along with several other Veterans & Soldiers from the US as well as all over the UK: 

COMING SOON: I will soon be a guest speaker on a future episode of the famous Australian podcast "The Herd Mentality" being interviewed by it's host, Adam Reakes. 

I can hardly wait ^_^

Reason's Greetings!

"Why would an atheist celebrate Christmas? You don't believe in god so you shouldn't even be allowed to!" Yes, people actually say this shit to me. Phrases like this one have been flooding my Twitter feed for the last week, I'm getting sick to the point of tears of hearing this drivel, and after perhaps a few too many I'm going to tackle this bullshit HOPEFULLY once and for all. Yes, there are atheists who also enjoy the Holiday Season, and it may surprise some of you to learn this, they do so for VERY DIFFERENT REASONS than you'd probably ever thought of.

Reasons up to and including, but by no means limited to, because I fucking want to.

It's common knowledge that what we now call Christmas is a mish-mash of hijacked pagan holidays with traditions stemming from the Vikings, the Romans, the Celts and then some. You don't need to consult your friendly neighborhood Bible Scholar about this, they've been teaching it in public schools even since I was a little girl. So NO, Jesus is NOT "the reason for the season" as many claim, this is not only historically inaccurate but factually untrue in ALL CONTEXTS. Besides, Unlike Jesus, at least there's evidence of Axial Tilt having a distinct effect of Earth's seasonal weather patterns.

So why, for those of us who DON'T believe in bullshit, would we want to participate? For the same reason many of us enjoy things like the Fourth of July or even Valentine's Day: Yes, I used those two examples deliberately: ONE is an American National Holiday (not in any way religious in nature) and one USED TO BE a religious holiday in ancient times but is generally no longer considered as such. Atheists, being human, tend to enjoy meeting in groups of people that they have a common bond with and having good times together, you don't HAVE TO BE an American Citizen to appreciate or acknowledge the significance of the Fourth of July. I never used to be a huge fan of Valentine's Day, I don't think a lot of people are in this day and age. It so happens to be my anniversary, so it has some extra special meaning for me & my family instead of what people THINK that meaning should be.

For a group of people who idolize a long-haired hippie that told people not to be assholes to people, today's Neo-Christians sure do enjoy being assholes to people.

No one OWNS a holiday, certainly no one owns THE Holidays, no matter what label you want to slap on the front of it you will never be able to honestly tell someone they are not allowed to enjoy a special day on their own terms because it's yours and yours alone. Nope, no dice. Atheists have families, too, are we not supposed to enjoy giving gifts to each other and eating meals together because YOU SAY SO?

I am very hard pressed to think of anything more anti-Christmas than greed, and no I'm not talking about Black Friday Corporate greed. Christians do not OWN Christmas, Jews do not OWN Hanukah nor do Wiccans OWN Halloween (at least they're happy to share with the rest of us, but it's still superstitious nonsense) and so forth: So you can stuff the self-righteous "Keep Christ in Christmas" anger straight up your chimney, I'M going to enjoy myself and you can't do a damn thing to stop me!

So why do I celebrate Christmas? Because of my friends, my family, and the best reason of all...

Because I fucking WANT TO.

Io Saturnalia, friends ^_^

RANT: Suicide

My Grandmother, Josephine, lived to be 99 years old. In the last month or so of her life she didn't lament never being able to make it to her 100th birthday, she knew she was very ill and likely going to die very soon (this was in 2012.) She was living at my Aunt & Uncle's house in Patchogue, New York, a nurse and a Catholic priest would stop by the house every other day to see that she was comfortable and being taken care of (my Aunt & Uncle aren't bad people, per se, they just have no concept of "bedside manner" or how to take care of a dying person) and my Mom made a special trip from Maine to stay with her for a few weeks. About 10 days after my Mom was back in Maine, my Grandmother passed away in her sleep.

Death comes for us all: Christian, Muslim, Wiccan, Scientologist, and yes, Atheists like me. While I wasn't exactly surprised to learn about my Nan's death due to her slowly failing health, it still hit me like a speeding Mack Truck: A person that I grew up with will no longer be in my life, I will never hear her voice or see her face again outside of old family home movies. Nan left existence as peacefully as she lived her life, and now her remains are in a Catholic cemetery on Long Island. I will never again get to give her a hug or see her smile, she's gone.

I was yanked from a Field Training Exercise to go to her funeral, my husband called me and told me the news: For some fucked up reason I'm always the last person in my family to find out when something bad has happened or when someone dies.

About a month ago I learned that a former squad-mate, US Army SPC Steven M Hays, was found dead inside his vehicle with an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound. When I first met Steven I was so badly dehydrated that I was pretty much completely delirious, our unit had decided that it would be a BRILLIANT IDEA to drag everyone out to an obstacle course and make everyone run it in the height of September with the Arizona sun blasting it's ultra-violet hatred on everyone: You know, to boost unit cohesion and some good clean "fun." So after ranting, yelling and swearing at my entire Company (and apparently my Commanding Officer as well) I was taken to the ad-hoc Med-Station (Which was basically a Humvee with a tank of water and some stretchers) and then I completely blacked out. It would seem one of the Soldiers I had inadvertently cussed out was Steven: Um, sorry 'bout that. 

The following Duty Day, he came to me and asked me what the fuck I was going on about: I told him a very abbreviated version of my story, he recalled to me some of the crazy shit I apparently screamed at everyone, our friendship was sealed from that point forward. I was never terribly popular in my old Unit to begin with, engaging in an act of consensual sex with another grown adult (a concept that our military has always struggled with) during the deployment in Iraq didn't improve my odds with them either, but unlike the other Soldiers who tried their damnedest to make me into a pariah, Steven at least took the time to say "Hello" to me when he could, in a group of people who could obviously have cared less if I had lived or died, it was a shining relief to see at least one other person who was glad that I was alive.
 

The difference between an otherwise natural death versus a suicide is that while both tend to be an emotional surprise, news of a suicide just doesn't seem to register in the brain at first. It's like you don't believe it at first, it literally "does not compute"

Our military demonizes people who die by their own hand, our society does this as well but not always to quite the same extent that the armed forces do. Sure, they tell you that they want you to get help if you're feeling like self-medicating with a .45 "Anti-Depressant" and they encourage Service-Members to do so, all the faster they can get the necessary paperwork started to kick your ass out. If life in the military is so awful that you want to DIE, why on Earth would you want to STAY IN? Because for many of them, especially those who have deployed repeatedly to Iraq or Afghanistan, that's all they have left: PTSD has ravaged their minds, military life has destroyed their families (Service-Members are up to four times more likely to get divorced than civilian couples) they're so beaten-into the system that it becomes the only life they know. After they have no more self-will, no more distractions from outside and no more control over their own circumstances, it becomes their life in it's entirety.

After that point, a Service-Member becomes so absorbed into "The Almighty Army" that it literally takes over their life. They are so indoctrinated that they can no longer understand anything else outside of the uniform, this can get to the point of "ordering" a spouse to do push-ups or even trying to pull rank on civilians who don't even live or work on Post. They literally BECOME their job, and when anything threatens them in that state (be it an injury, thoughts of suicide or even an Article 15) they will fight like Hell, scream, shout, even flat out lie, to keep the only thing they have left in their world, their only means of existence. 

The military suicide plague isn't due to a lack of options, it's because of a crippling lack of human decency toward one another.

Choosing to end your own life isn't a cowardly act, but it's nothing particularly ballsy either. Generally most of the people who express that sentiment are those who are upset only because the person they knew is no longer around for THEIR BENEFIT, not because that individual was in a tremendous amount of pain that he/she felt was being ignored or overlooked. There's nothing cowardly about wanting pain to go away, so suicide isn't "the easy way out," if anything it's got to be the most fearful and mind-breaking way to die that I can imagine.

I should know, I've tried it repeatedly.

I guess, to a point, the desire to self-terminate will always be there. When I was younger I was honestly so terrified that I would either go straight to Hell or maybe I'd reincarnate as an animal I didn't like. The last time I gave offing myself any serious effort was in Iraq, I had been stealing my Jesus-Freak roommate's painkillers over the course of a month, along with any & all pills I could get my hands on, and my original intent was to down the entire bottle on or before the day of my Article 15. I made it to about half the bottle before I started vomiting, they never quite made it into my stomach because I could feel my own esophagus squeezing shut: Of course I never told anyone that things had gotten THIS BAD, if I did then they would have just sent me on the next plane to Germany and shoved me into a cotton-box until my discharge papers were done.

I guess at THAT POINT it hit me that not only was the game rigged the entire time, that my squad-mates were NEVER going to grant me the respect that the uniform mandated because I admitted to myself that I'm just a person after-all (and a lowly female, no less) but that if I had actually gone through with my plan it would only be granting them what they wanted the entire time: For me to get myself out of the way before "the Enemy" could do it for them, and I wasn't ready to put my family through all of that. At the time, they had no idea about the kind of relationship my husband and I had, about our "friendships" with other consenting adults, it wasn't so much about me being afraid of the consequences anymore, but instead that I had to live through just long enough to see that they were eventually exposed for their own wrong-doings as well.

Surprised? Don't be. THAT was the big turning point for me, I fed them a line of bullshit about "seeing the wrong of my actions" while in the back of my brain swearing revenge for not dealing with another squad-mate who had assaulted & harassed me to the point of physical illness (I had been blacking out and vomiting so often from stress& sleep deprivation at that point that I honestly thought I might have had cancer, I even went to the clinic and requested a screening: UNFORTUNATELY, I didn't have cancer) and I gave any notion of gods or devils, even any version of an afterlife, the boot: If any all-intelligent being out there purposely allows people to get to the point where they'd rather die horribly than suffer the abuse of their fellow humans, then who in their right might can call this entity "good?"

There was recently a YouTube user going by the handle "MannixThePirate" whom, for the third time, faked killing himself: It's causing quite the outrage.

There is no pain in the world quite like realizing that someone you once knew is now dead, by whatever means. This is an especially troubling process when that person opted to decide things for themselves, but it's hard to put into words the fury that one feels boiling up inside themselves when they discover that someone, for whatever fucked up reason, decided that it would be a BRILLIANT IDEA to play it as a sick practical joke: Fuck you, dude, there are families and lives that are ripped apart because of suicide and you wanted to make a mockery of it? I'm not normally one to say that there are things you just can't joke about, because that would be censorship and I hold very tightly to the idea that censorship is for cunts, but this Mannix character should feel free to go dine on some fine light-bulbs with a tall glass of bleach to wash the shards down: People actually thought you were dead, you sick fuck.

In the end (haha, see what I did there) death really is the only thing that anyone can really take seriously at all, there's never really any going back and no one, despite any and all claims, ACTUALLY KNOWS if anything awaits us on the other side. I can no more demonize the act of suicide than I can cutting of one's own leg, it's your body and your life so I can't tell you what to do with it so long as you don't mean anyone else any harm.

But please, I don't want you to kill yourself. If only because there may be circumstances that you might not have considered until now.

They Came for MY SOUL

We had our first "Intruder" upon our property yesterday morning, and it shames me to admit that we were completely unprepared for them: A Jehovah's Witness. She came by herself, an 84 year old woman in a long coat and a crocheted cap. My husband & I might have panicked a little at first, we're in a rural enough area that only a few people are really SUPPOSED TO KNOW our exact location, so to see a stranger sauntering up to our door on the security monitor was a bit of a surprise.

My husband answered the door (behind the scenes I'm grabbing my revolver out of it's holster, just in case) and before John even opened his mouth she already had a little pamphlet held up in her hand at him.

Something to the effect of 'I'm going around town with these leaflets because my church is having a Bible Study tomorrow, we're inviting people to come attend, perhaps you've heard of us?' John nods at me: Not a threat, just an annoyance. John makes the mistake of asking what church, she answers.

The Kingdom Hall of Huntsville, Arkansas: It's about 45 minutes from where we are. That means this person went way the fuck out of their way to go bother complete strangers.

You bet your ass I was chomping at the bit when those words came out of her mouth, I stashed my fire-arm in my waist-band and headed on up to the door. Yes, I'm one of those 'asshole Atheists' you see tend to see on the Internet blasting dumb-assery online (mainly Twitter.) I've been trying to slow down and pick my battles more carefully as of late, but this one literally came to MY HOUSE and sought me out. I may as well make it worthwhile, I'm already armed so what's the worst thing that could possibly happen, right?

After my husband took the pamphlet she handed him, he glances it over while she talks about her "Bible based church group" that she says she's inviting people too, as she's thumbing through more papers in her hand (stacked on top of an old Bible, of course) when she asks what denomination we happen to be: The answer to THAT question, of course, being "None" because we're Atheists.

I'd like to note here that not once during the entire conversation did the words "We're Atheists" or even "Atheist" in of itself ever leave either of our mouths. People have a very negative perception of non-believers as it is, we want to avoid coming off as hostile.

And when we say "None, we're not religious" she actually looks a little confused for a minute. This the Arkansas Ozark Mountain Range, the hairy arm-pit of the American South, nearly everyone out here is either a bat-shit-loco Holy-Roller or a tight-assed Baptist. Meeting people who have no religion at all out here is a bit like finding a 14 karat gold needle in a whole field of hay-stacks. I think within a few moments it clicks in her head that we quite literally do not subscribe to any religious belief nor take anything the Bible (or any holy book for that matter) says to heart, and then asks why. Why what? Why we don't believe in god? Why we don't go to any church? Both?

I 'accidentally' cut John off right as he was about to say something, sorry about that, babe: "Because if any religion on Earth had any real merit to it at all, people wouldn't be killing each-other over them. I'm an Iraq Veteran, ma'am, I've seen and heard quite enough of what people are willing to do in the name of their holy books. If that's the kind of thing that any god is okay with, then I want nothing at all to do with it."

She paused for a second, and what came out of her mouth next absolutely stunned me: "Well the Lord actually tells us that he wants us to live without any war." 

SOMEONE, in 84 years of being alive and advertising her special brand of Bible, obviously hasn't actually read that fucking book!

Seriously? Do you actually think for ONE SECOND that I'm going to fall for that? Now to be fair, she IS only doing her job: She's not a physical threat to either of us and things haven't become hostile or abusive, just a tad weird so far. But really? Lady, I heard my down-range roommate say it's not a sin to kill Iraqis because they're not christians, and I won't even start with the days on end of constant 'calls to prayer' while our base was under attack from insurgents. But nope, apparently she really thinks that the god of the Bible is anti-war and forbids his chosen followers from fighting. Sure thing, what's in the cookies they bring to these Bible Study groups of which you speak?

She reminds me that Jehovah Witnesses are in fact forbidden from either joining the military or going to war, I'm thoroughly aware of this. Not only have I met one or two Jehovah's Witnesses before, but I also briefly worked with an NCO who joined them for the sole purpose of getting out of the Army. When I told her this, she seemed even more confused, as if something not physically possible had taken place: Either I described the dishonest actions of a misled and desperate person seeking a means to an end that went against the Watchtower Society's teachings, or I spontaneously grew a penis out of my forehead.

'Well that's not why he joined us, I promise you,' That's pretty much she says, and she really does seem sincere in saying this, "That young man wouldn't have done such a thing, there'd be a huge stigma... um, against that sort of thing." Ma'am, I hate to burst yet another bubble of yours, not only was this dude in his 40's and knew exactly what he was doing, but he DID IN FACT join your organization just to get out of the Army: At one point within a few days after the original blog post I'm linking here, I heard the words come out of his mouth myself. Yes, ma'am, there are in fact people out there who are taking advantage of your organization for their own means, and I find it equally confusing even if not for the same reasons you do.

Like any other religion, the Watchtower Society and their members are literally trying to sell you a lie. The only difference is that Jehovah's Witnesses will lie directly to your face in order to accomplish this, in fact they are encouraged to do so. 

Now I get it, this lady is just doing what she's been trained to do presumably since she was a young lady being brought up under the Watchtower Society's rules, but twice now she's already lied to me and pretty much pissed on my leg and told me it was raining. Anyone who served with me in the Army will tell you my philosophy about why people lie to each-other: There are, fundamentally, two common reasons why any human being would lie to another human being. The first is because they're afraid of what the other person will do to them if they knew the truth, the other is because they think the person they're lying to is stupid. I've done nothing to harm or threaten this woman, and since she has a "product" that she's trying very hard to "sell" to us, logic dictates that it's reason number two.

Guess what, lady? That shit didn't work on me in Iraq, it didn't work when I got home, and it's not going to work now. But you keep thumbing through those little tracts and pamphlets you keep handing me, I'll take them and I will in fact read them later on, because I know that this kind of life is all that you have ever really known. John and I COULD try to debate you while you're standing on our porch on a rainy day, I think on some level you really don't want to be there either. If I live to be your age, I'd rather stay at home with a cat on my lap either reading a book or cleaning one of my guns, not wandering out in the rain lying to strangers to convince them to join a cult. 

We told her multiple times that we had errands to run, shit to do, but that if we had any honest questions we'd come to the Kingdom Hall and ask: She still wouldn't get off the porch. 

The very same NCO who joined the cult once told me that when a Jehovah's Witness comes to your door trying to preach to you, that they're trying to do you a favor so you should be polite and hear them out. I'll give someone a chance to talk to me, they obviously went through a great deal of effort to get here. But no, I don't OWE THEM my time or courtesy: When I tell you to leave, that means leave. Yes, I still had the gun behind my back, no, I still didn't think it was necessary or wise to just whip it out like a psychopath. She wasn't trying to get inside, she was just damn convinced that she really was trying to help us (in a sort of Scientology-ish fashion, but in reality just as futile and frightening) 

At which point, after about the third or fourth "we have to go now, goodbye" she kept asking for our phone number. Um, no. Seriously, no. I know what happens when organizations like the Watchtower get a hold of your contact information, you 'mistake' it for an invitation, I'm not giving you my phone number nor my e-mail address because I get enough spam and solicitation via both channels. 

The whole of the encounter lasted just under five minutes, as I'm typing this I'm using her pamphlets and tracts as a coffee-coaster.

I still haven't read any of them. I can't be angry at the old lady herself, rather I feel sorry for her. True, nobody was holding a gun to her head and FORCING HER to go door to door in the rain, but religious groups like the Watchtower Society and Scientology have (in some cases, literal) death-grips on the lives of their followers. Not only do I very strongly disagree with the very notion of gods and afterlives, but I don't want to live my life as a slave to something I can't even prove to be real, nonetheless forced or in any capacity coerced to mold every aspect of my being to such ideals.

Lady, go home and stay there for a bit. Take a rest, have some tea and re-think your life. You've obviously had A LOT of time to think about it before, I can't help but wonder if you even want to try and enjoy whatever you have left of it.

And tell your "boss" not to send anyone else, we're not interested.

We're Atheists.

OW! My Aura!

I'm coming to the end of an almost 2 month long "Vacation" in my great home State of Maine, Now that I'm out of the military I can finally be my bad self. No more looming paranoia about Duty-Roster Call-Ins at 0400, no more standing at Parade-Rest for shit-heads who otherwise aren't fit to shovel shit from one pile into another, I'm completely free to enjoy my life for it's good times and challenges now. I've been staying with family here in Raymond for the majority of the time I've been in Maine, but earlier this week I had a chance to hang out with the only friend I have left from my days at Maine College of Art. Her name is Rosie and she's an entire package of fire-crackers tossed into a can of gasoline, she's the kind of person who'll tell you what she's thinking regardless of whether or not you want to hear it.

Fun Fact: Medicinal Marijuana is legal in Maine, just, eh... puttin' that out there for you *cough*

So, just like the good-ol-days, we spent a day chillaxing in Freeport (yes, home of the L.L. Bean Store, the second most visited tourist attraction in the State) walking up and down the streets just talking shit about yuppies and wandering into random shops looking for interesting items. Should you ever find yourself in Freeport, I highly recommend the British Imports shop right across the road from L.L. Bean but I should warn you that for some fucked up reason they don't have any FLAKE Bars (Really, WTF guys?)

However, just like the good-ol-days, Rosie wanted to pop into her all-time-favorite shop for a minute. Telling her I didn't believe in faeries anymore wasn't hard, most Wiccans don't get upset with Atheists over that stuff because they know what it's like to have some shit slung in their direction: I just kept it simple, that after everything that went down in Iraq I am DONE with religion. Period.

Anyway, back to my friend's favorite shop... 

With the exception of some of my previous experiences, if you've seen ONE New-Age boutique you've pretty much seen them all: Ironically overpriced Buddha statues, nag champa incense (which I rather like, actually) a glass case full of various polished stones and unusual jewelry, maybe some of those Tibetan Prayer Flags that people out here seem to like so much, just a compendium of items that anyone with any loosely formed idea of meditation or auras might find "Ooh! Shiny!"

Back in the day I could have easily destroyed half a paycheck in a place like this, so much temptation! Rosie is still an avid Wiccan, she was actually one of the first people to introduce me to the idea over 11 years ago before "Z" hijacked my spiritual practices. I didn't see the harm, really, I just fell out of it after that long because after surviving a War Zone it seemed stupid to keep living a lie. I don't get terribly many chances to hang out with Rosie, I figured why not? Now I can look at things like this objectively and it's not like I'm not allowed inside the shop itself.

New-Agers LOVE Angels! And who could blame then? Stories of Angelic figures predate Christianity by thousands of years, and who wouldn't want an invisible super-being protecting them from harm 24/7 that they can talk to and interact with?

There's an entire corner of this place with piles upon piles of anything Angelic on every shelf, and they all look fucking identical: White robed with shiny wings, and almost all of them have blonde hair. If Angels DO exist, I wonder what they think of things like War? THAT is humanity at it's absolute worst and it's not even anything new, we've been looking for ways to kill each-other En Masse since the dawn of time and all the while they've supposedly been watching us go at it. I don't know about you, but the thought of it actually creeps me out a little. I was brought up as a child to believe in my Guardian Angel, that everybody on Earth had one that protected them wherever they went: I guess my Angel either didn't like me all that much after a while, or there's no such thing as Angels.

Which brings me to another item regarding prevalent (though not necessarily uniform) New-Age belief: Spirit guides. Animal totems, Ancestor worship, dead relatives telling you what to do, etc... Really? First of all, even if the dead COULD speak to the living I'm not too keen on the idea of taking advice from deceased family members, mostly because in the case of some of MY family many of them are dead due to NOT heeding the advice of the living (mainly by doctors, but hey...) Invisible animals aren't anything new, either: I suppose that anyone who's an animal lover wouldn't mind having a few spiritual friends that take on the guises of their favorite animals: Wolves, deer, cats, eagles, even rabbits and mice.

When was the last time you talked to anyone who bragged about having a Velociraptor as a Spirit Guide? Or a Trilobite, or an Archaeopteryx, or a Woolly Mammoth? They WERE real animals that are now VERY DEAD, why don't they get to have a say in our lives just the same?

I have a favorite animal: The Octopus. Those things are not only wicked cool animals, they're extremely intelligent and DEADLY AS FUCK! If I were to pick ONE ANIMAL that I'd live to have follow me goddamn everywhere, it'd be a Giant Pacific Octopus (and yes, they have been known to survive on land for several hours) but just because I really REALLY want one, that I'm capable of imagining one at my side offering me practical financial advice, doesn't mean it's real. And for the record, I'm not AT ALL into tentacle porn, Cephalopods in general really are just awesome creatures that deserve our appreciation and respect.

I've lost interest in the figurines and statues in this place, I move on the the part of the shop where the books are because that's where Rosie is. I consider myself an avid reader, although I don't really get to sit down and read as often as I would really like to, but I gander at the shelves and notice that nearly all of "the Classics" are here: Scott Cunningham, Silver RavenWolf (Yes, that's her name, but she seems happy with it) Doreen Valiente, among a few other popular Pagan authors as well. No matter what your beliefs, many people who write books like these will pretty much tell you do "do what feels right to you, even if it's not by the book."

If THAT'S the case, what's the real problem with people like Aleister Crowley and Anton LaVey? Their own practices surely "felt right" to THEM, even if some of them confused and down-right creeped-out the rest of us, by THAT reasoning who are we to say they were wrong?

I happen across one book with a pink cover, the title alluded to practices for recovering from a bad break-up. Rosie and I both smirk at this thing and set it back down on the shelf: Though far more expensive than this little book, a bottle of Tequila and a good hard cry with a horny stranger will accomplish the same thing. On the shelf immediately next to this are rows of pristine journals that look hand-made: I used to collect these things like Pokemon and fill them with "Spells" that I'd either copied from other books or made-up on my own.

Wicca really is the epitome of making it up as you go along, but to a point they're at least willing to admit this: The general idea is that as long as you're not actively seeking to harm anyone, do whatever floats your boat. It's very rare that you HEAR ABOUT Wiccans and Pagans actively discriminating against the LGBT crowd (although rare, I promise you it DOES HAPPEN) and I think this is the reason why they tend to get along with most Atheists so well. Most Wiccans aren't proselytizers and the very nature of that faith doesn't mesh well with the idea of "winning converts" at all. If a friend decided to take up Wicca, most Wiccans would offer advice from time to time but that's about it. 

Despite my internalized ramblings and criticism, even a few memory-replays while in the shop, I DID buy myself something: An $11 pair of earrings made out of recycled plywood, I'm not joking.

What can I say, I saw them and knew deep down that I really wanted them (must have been A Sign, LOL!) and they were made locally, or so the card said.

I took them to the counter and I paid cash, the clerk looked like Penn Jillette with braided pigtails but was otherwise very friendly and courteous to me. It's not like I put my bright red "SNARKY & BITTER ATHEIST" hat on before going inside, and I doubt these are the kinds of people that really care what I think but genuinely appreciate their customers. And why wouldn't they? I doubt they think they're selling people snake-oil, many of them honestly believe it themselves and I'm fine with that: They have every right to believe whatever they like.

Just as I have every right to reflect on my experiences and criticize their beliefs to no end.

Rosy and I concluded our visit and went out for coffee, I put my recycled plywood earrings on as soon as I walked out of the store.

It was a good day indeed ^_^

The Story of Z (The End)

Maybe it's just me, but when someone tells me they're going to do something then it's perfectly reasonable of me to expect them to do it. I had a decent job that I really enjoyed, occasionally I could find some male company for a night or more (keeping it, however...) and I had every reason to enjoy my frequent visits to Z's shop on Congress Street. Even despite not getting back one dime for all of the books or the gas-money, even despite snap-back answers to seemingly innocuous questions during classes and Circle meetings, through all of the doubt and skepticism tightening inside my brain like vines, I still attended regular rituals and meetings like clockwork. With increasing tension between myself and family at home I began looking for a serious way out, a few of Z's students had managed to find a place between the three of them very recently so I figured that finding a place should be easy if I had a potential roommate.

Z didn't seem all that enthused at first, I think he may have been growing suspicious of me having doubts at this point. This frightened me, toward the end of my time among those people I felt like I was walking across a very thin wire: The wrong answer, the wrong question, hanging out with or talking to the wrong person (including a long-time friend that, despite not abusing substances or owing any serious debts, was somehow a poisonous influence and "draining my energy like a leech" please...) was all it would have taken for that wire to snap right out from under me, but that I needed to continue to function within the Circle's expectations in order to have a meaningful life.

The really great thing about working at a book-store with such a sweet employee discount: Access to a wealth of information about the very cause I thought I had pledged my life to.

Sure, Z sold books at his shop too but getting new ones took him fucking forever: He told me once that he had the same distributors that Borders used, considering how frequently Borders had new products that needed shelving, yet again I became doubtful. If the sources were truly the same, why were Z's access to those resources always so limited? 

Eventually it dawned on me that not only was something not quite right about how Z ran his Circle and dictated instruction to the other students, but the super-exclusive nature of the entire shop itself: Crafted items that no other Circle/Coven had known of or what to do with, extremely specific products (oils, incenses and other things pre-made within such parameters that were unique to the Circle's own rituals, other things I'd never seen or read of other Covens adopting into regular practice...) The fact that the items for sale in the shop only had known use for members of the Circle, occasionally people would wander inside and pick up a few things because they were curious about them but beyond that WE were almost always the only people buying anything, THAT should have been a huge indicator that maybe the direction these people were headed wasn't somewhere I wanted to be.

Not only had Z been laying a very rigid frame-work of how he thought we should practice our rituals and spells, but he made damn sure that HE was the only resource for "real magick" that we could utilize.

"Everyone else is doing it wrong, if you want to do it right you do it through me" to paraphrase the later lessons that I can recall. Between September of 2001 to Spring of 2003 the Circle had expanded from about 5 or 6 of us to a pretty steady 10, sometimes more. Sometimes we'd see new students, they didn't usually last very long and when they left we'd never see them again: Z's explanation was usually that some people can't handle this kind of thing, and for people who are new to Wicca or anything New Age this might have been true. However I still can't figure out why an "experienced Witch" in her late 30s who'd been doing this almost all of her adult life would only stick around for maybe two meetings and then run away like her ass was on fire.

Our social circles were eventually limited to only each-other, if I managed to meet a guy I usually felt guilty about having contact with someone outside the Circle and eventually I was encouraged (by Z himself, often during member meetings) to end whatever was going on. 

Z ordered me to break all ties with my own best friend because he was gay: Hanging out with gay men was a sure-fire way to drain my "Magickal Energy" dry. Oh, cruel irony...

Not the money, not the books, not the belittling in front of other members or my suspicions about where Z wanted to take us as a group, he managed to serve up my own pain against me: Singling people out because of who they love, choice or not, was the very reason I ditched Christianity for whatever he was selling to me and my wounded mind. I am NOT going to play this game again, I am not a bigot and I will not associate with them if I can help it. Damn near every book I had read up until that point said absolutely nothing about Wiccan ideals (or even the Rede itself) conflicting with adult consensual sex WHATSOEVER, so either some of Z's own prejudices were managing to slip through into his teachings or he was fighting some kind of insecurity that he didn't want to face.

I met a new boyfriend (who turned out to be a psychopath, but THAT's another blog series) left the group for good and never looked back.

For years I continued with rituals and spells on my own terms, but I never really trusted ANY spiritual guide all that much after having run with Z's Circle for so long and seen such blind obedience. I guess I wanted so badly to believe in such things that I almost sacrificed my sense of self just to be a part of it. Kool-Aid is Kool-Aid no matter what flavor on the package: You can either pour out the cup or taste the hint of almonds far too late.

I flipped ALL RELIGION the Bird while deployed to Iraq, I've seen quite enough of what horrors vindicated people are capable of committing. 

Z's operation might still be in business SOMEWHERE in Southern Maine, it looks like his last location in Westbrook didn't pan out: I drove past the old building last week, it's empty and looking for someone to lease it out. I have no idea what he's doing now and I don't want to talk to him, but our very last conversation was a very angry exchange via MySpace (long before that site went full-retard.)

Not long before moving out of Maine, I put together a small bag of all the stuff he ever gave me. Oils, potions, "Holy Water" and a little white rock that was supposed to protect me from evil. I left everything on the lawn and walked away: I was simply returning defective merchandise.

Fuck right off, dude.