Friday, July 25, 2014

Obligatory Atheist Q & A

We are so common on the Internet, our forums, discussion pages, and YouTube channels are seemingly everywhere. I really shouldn't have to do this, but I feel like I do. I find myself being asked some rather nonsensical questions as of late, as well as a few pretentious holier-than-thou types claiming that they know this and that about what I actually think and feel (Fun fact: THEY DON'T KNOW SHIT.) And while most of my conversations with people are actually rather pleasant, the UNpleasant ones seem to be happening somewhat more frequently since I started school. Shit happens, I guess.

So here it is, YET ANOTHER list on the Internet. 

  • "Why are you atheists always so angry?" I may use a lot of colorful language in my posts, and yes I have some anger as a human being, but for the most part that doesn't have anything to do with my atheism and anti-theism. If you were trapped on the other side of the globe for a year surrounded by people who, for the most part, didn't give a flying lizard clit if you lived or died, especially when something happened that actually put your own life in danger and almost no one did anything to help, YOU'D be angry too. And while my experiences in Iraq were a big part of what brought me to shedding religious belief, I also have to give credit to Richard Dawkins and George Carlin for ultimately convincing me that it's okay to NOT have an imaginary friend.
  • "Why are you so disrespectful against others' beliefs?" Ah, see, here's where people get confused about a fundemental element of life in the civilized world: People have every right to believe as they wish, so long as they aren't opressing or harming anyone else. I could give a shit less what people believe or if they believe anything at all, that doesn't absolve anyone's thoughts, beliefs and especially actions from criticism. HUMAN BEINGS (and some would argue animals as well) have rights, THEIR IDEAS do not. I am a very real flesh-and-blood person, I have rights under the laws of my country of residence and the Geneva Convention. If you punched me in the face for no good reason at all, I have every right to drag you to court and have you prosecuted over it. Let's say that I believed in a floating purple octopus that gave me friendly advice from time to time and that ONLY I can see it. If someone sent me a message on Facebook or Twitter saying that the very idea of my floating purple octopus was stupid, it might hurt my feelings but there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Why? Because criticism is not a crime, and that's what separates the developed world from countries like Saudi-Arabia, Ireland, Brazil and other countries where criticizing religious belief can land you into legal trouble.
  • "People have the right to believe what they want, y' know!" That they do, just like I have every right to critique, question, or even mock the ever-living piss out of it IF I WANT TO.
  • "You think you're so much better than ________...!" In the case of some recent events that I had a hand in unfolding, it shouldn't exactly be a hard pill to swallow in saying that yes, I AM A BETTER PERSON than a certain misogynistic, self-loathing, racist bigot who thinks of women as little more than breeding/pleasure automatons and openly called for the genocide of all Muslims; THEN had the audacity to not only ignore my VERY CLEAR WARNING to never contact me again (which is grounds for a stalking/harassment lawsuit, I might add...) but sent his cyber-homunculus to call ME the hateful one because I called them both out on their bigoted, self-righteous, holier-than-thou bullshit: Yes, I can honestly say that in that ONE EXTREME CASE, I am a much better person than to stoop to their level of shit-baggery. Any sane and rational person should have no difficulty whatsoever with evaluating such a situation and arriving to a similar conclusion. On the whole, though, my criticisms of religion as well as the behaviors of many religious people aren't because I want to "feel better about myself." I see a problem, I analyze it, and I call it as I see it. I also do my best to NOT resort to Ad Hominem if I can help it.
  • "Debate me, EVOLUTIONIST! Or you're a coward!" Speaking of needing to feel better about one's self by way of insulting or degrading others, not every atheist out there is a scientist (even though an overwhelming majority of scientists in the United States openly admit that they don't believe in God.) It shouldn't have to TAKE a scientist to engage common fucking sense. Some people need EVERYTHING explained to them because they can't seem to figure it out on their own, and if asked an honest question I don't normally have any problem with providing an honest answer. Sometimes, that answer is going to be "I don't know." No human being on Earth knows absolutely every goddamn thing, and that's fine. If you want to debate with someone about science and evolution in particular, go find an actual scientist willing to mop the proverbial floor with your half-baked ideas. I'm just a college student.
  • "You're angry at God!" No more than I am at the tooth fairy. And it's very "ungodly" to make presumptions against a person's character of whom you know nothing about, one might take such statements as an accusation without any evidence: There's no possible way that you can know what another person is thinking or feeling, so provide some evidence or just don't say dumb shit like this. That kind of behavior is called being a judgemental asshole, something that Jesus had very specific warnings about.
  • "You know God exists, you just love your sin!" Again with the presumptuous accusations... Really, I think any statement such as this one isn't actually an argument at all, it's a baiting tactic designed to catch me off guard or provoke me: "I'm going to accuse you of being something you aren't, therefore God." Please, don't waste my time with this bullshit. If you have to accuse people like this to prove your sense of moral superiority, then your morals are shit.
  • "You're taking the Bible/Koran/Rede/Dianetics out of context." If you want to claim that such texts are the unerring and perfect word of your chosen deity, you can't ever use this phrase in an argument: You're not going to sit there and tell me about gay sex being an abomination against God while wearing mixed-fabric clothing and stuffing your face with coconut shrimp. Even if you just like the light-hearted lovey-dovey messages of Jesus without all that icky Old Testament stuff, you can't ignore his condonement of slavery (Ephesians 6:5, 1 Timothy 6:1-2 and Luke 12:47-48.) I'm using the Bible for this example because it's the most common holy book in the United States, and as such the majority of my conversations along these lines are with American Christians. I have just as much disdain toward willfully ignorant proclamations coming out of the Koran, the Rede, the Upinishads or others as I do the Bible: Fun fact, I have read ALL of those.
  • "It's ironic that atheists talk so much shit about religion when they don't believe in God..." Yes, in much the same way that doctors talk about things like cancer when they would like nothing more than to see it's eradication. Also, many atheists talk about religion in the same way that police officers talk about things like drugs, murder, y'know, crime in general... WHY? Because just like cancer and crime, religion DOES wreak it's own distinct form of havoc on civilized society, especially when it so strongly influences they way people vote and behave.
  • "Stop persecuting me!" If you're an American Christian, you're an idiot for saying this. No one is breaking into your home in the middle of the night, raping your mother and sisters, murdering your entire family right in front of you, burning your house down and putting you into a camp. Y'know, like what fundamentalist Christians, Muslims, Jews, Catholics etc have been doing to eachother for centuries and even today. Saying this because you didn't get your way in an election or legal matter is just plain asinine and untrue. You have no grounds comparing a tantrum to an actual atrocity. 
  • "You can't draw Mohammed! He's sacred to Muslims!" Sacred to MUSLIMS, not to ME: I am not a Muslim, ergo I am not subject to their religious rules, so... 

  • "Why do you feel the need to criticize other peoples' beliefs?" Because when I get people telling me that I'm "lost," call me a "sinner," or going to an imaginary place just because I don't subscribe to their particular brand of socially constructed misery, I AM GOING to call them out on it whether or not they like the idea. How is it perfectly acceptable to threaten someone, mostly children but other adults as well, with hellfire and eternal torture unless they agree to and openly endorse a specific brand of bullshit, yet I'm somehow the asshole because I challenge their bullshit claims? 
  • "Oh well THAT'S just the extremists that do that, it's not ALL _______s." There's a term called enabling: Anybody who has friends or relatives with addiction issues is probably familiar with the concept, it basically means that while you WISH someone wouldn't do a thing, when they do the thing anyway you sheild them from the consequences of their actions because you THINK you're "saving" them. Dismissing extreme behavior as irrelevant is a form of enabling and it's irresponsible as fuck. If "only a few" McDonalds employees and restaurants had been systematically abusing children for the last several decades, meanwhile McDonalds as a corporation repeatedly tried to cover it up and shame the victims instead of actually correcting the problem, Micky-D's might be out of business in a matter of months.
  • "If you left the church, then you were never a TRUE Christian/Muslim/Jew/etc..." Then by your own bullshit rules, for all anyone really knows, neither are you. Furthermore, there'd be no conceivable way for you to be able to accurately tell the difference anyway, so this is ultimately a bullshit statement.
  • "So-and-so who did X Y or Z horrible thing wasn't a TRUE Christian/Muslim/Jew/Hindu, etc..." I shouldn't have to explain what essentialism is OR the 'No True Scotsman' fallacy at this point. Again, you don't get to dismiss someone's actions or identity because they don't happen to coincide with what you consider to be correct behavior. 
  • "So EVERYONE who believes in God is a moron according to you?" Not at all, I have many friends and relatives with whom I disagree about a great many things, to include the existence and/or relevance of God(s) or an afterlife. I rather like having friends that disagree with me on things like this, not only does it keep the conversation enjoyable and challenging, but it's kinda like a reality check for me: Every so often, I'm wrong about stuff. 
  • "Hitler was an atheist!" No, actually, he really wasn't. He was a murderer and a horrible person, but most certainly not solely because of his beliefs (though, from his own words, that didn't help things.)
  • "Stalin was an atheist!" And he was still a shit-head. It's not your beliefs, or in atheism's case absence thereof, that make you a good or bad person: Your ACTIONS toward others determine what kind of person you are, not your IDEAS. However, it should be noted that ideas and beliefs DO directly influence one's behavior, hence why many atheists and anti-theists have such a big beef with religion in all of it's forms. 
  • "If you don't believe in God, then where does your morality come from?" It's very rare that I actually get asked this anymore, but it's worth noting because the few times I DO get this question the conversation seems to deteriorate very quickly afterward: If you need an imaginary friend to tell you that not only are rape/murder/theft WRONG, but give you half-baked reasons as to exactly WHY they are wrong, then I have to call YOUR moral reasoning into question because it demonstrates a lack of critical reasoning. If you were told by your parents growing up that it's okay to break into other people's houses, you do so, then the home-owner shoots you in the face (and MAYBE you die as a result) you were still in the wrong because your reliance on authority figures to guide your actions clearly failed: Just because someone appears to have a position of power DOESN'T mean they're right about everything. Just ask the last asshole that tried to break into my house! But to answer the initial question, mutual respect shouldn't exactly be a difficult concept to grasp. My parents brought me up never to do upon someone else what I wouldn't want done upon myself, as in "don't hit people unless they hit you first" to give an example. True, I'm not always "nice" to people 100% of the time 24/7, but that doesn't mean that I seek to actively do them harm.
  • "If you don't believe in God, then what will happen to you when you die?" Cremation.
  • "Aren't you scared of being sent to Hell?" Aren't YOU scared of being sent to Mordor? THAT is what you sound like when you ask that dumb shit.
  • "Don't you want to go to Heaven?" Don't you want to go to Las Vegas? I can go to Las Vegas, I've been there before. Las Vegas is a real place, it's existence can be demonstrably and conclusively proven, whereas Heaven or Hell cannot.
  • "But the Bible/Koran?Misc. holy text says that God(s) exist(s)!" I have in my immediate possession an autographed photo of Neil Armstrong, I had the honor & privilege of meeting the man and shaking his hand in 2010. Neil Armstrong has since passed away, the photograph coupled with his signature verify that HE, the real flesh-and-blood human being, actually existed at one point in time. This physical evidence can be examined, tested and peer-reviewed. A holy book written centuries ago, however, can no more verify the existence of the people that claimed to have written it nor confirm the existence/accuracy of it's subject matter. A holy text is no more proof of the existence of a deity or afterlife than a Batman comic would be proof that Batman/Bruce Wayne is a real flesh-and-blood human being like Neil Armstrong was.
  • "But people still get good morals out of religion." Even IF that were true (see my previous explanation about where moral reasoning really comes from and why appeals to authority are bullshit) that doesn't necessarily mean that those "morals" are actually any good or have practical, real-word application in the long term. Not gambling because it's a waste of time and money isn't necessarily the same as not gambling because your imaginary friend doesn't like it: One reason is practical and sensible, the other doesn't make any sense.
  • "Why can't you just believe in SOMETHING?" I can no more force myself to ignore my critical reasoning process than I can force my taste-buds NOT to recoil at the smell and taste of onions. In the end, I can only ever be myself. 
  • "Deep down, you really believe in God." Why? Because YOU want me to? That's rather arrogant, don't you think? Again, that's an empty assertion and a false accusation: There's no way that you can say anything like that with any measure of certainty, so don't fucking say it.
  • "You worship the Devil!" I'd gladly worship Tom Hiddleston's throbbing cock, with my eager mouth, if I ever got the chance (as well as his informed consent.) Because unlike the very real Tom Hiddleston, the Devil is just as imaginary as your so-called God. When you really think about it, if either of THOSE TWO did exist, the Devil can't really do a damn thing without God's foreknowledge and consent: Which means that the so-called supreme embodiment of everything evil and sinful exists because God purposely allows it to, and not only that, knowingly gives him the go-ahead to do horrible things. Kinda says something about what kind of a passive-aggressive cunt God is, doesn't it? 
  • "I know you're just begging to be 'SAVED!'" That'd be about as true as saying deep down, you'd love a giant rubber cock in your ass. Maybe you do, maybe you don't: Unless you give me explicit and clear informed consent for me to go ahead and whip out that ol' strap-on, I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT ANOTHER PERSON TRULY WANTS OR THINKS, because NEITHER DO YOU! Fucking Christ on crystal meth, I hate accusatory assertions! 
  • "But I'm not a bad person for believing in God..." As previously mentioned, what you believe in of itself doesn't determine this. It's how you behave toward others that makes you a good or bad person. And using religious belief as an excuse to behave in a way MOST people consider wrong or illegal, doesn't de-facto make your action GOOD: It just makes you a weak-minded twat.
  • "But... but... JESUS/MOHAMMED/L. RON HUBBARD!!!" Um... Cthulu, Zalgo, Slenderman, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, blah blah fucking blah. Excitedly proclaiming the name of your chosen holy figure to reaffirm your stance really doesn't mean anything at all, it just makes you look like an ignorant asshole.
  • "You atheists are all just condescending know-it-alls!" Some of us certainly are, most of us don't try to deny or dismiss a couple of fucking losers that bear the banner of atheism out in the open for their own means and ends. For another example of atheists being jerks, go onto Tumblr and look up what an M.R.A is. The difference is that for the most part, I don't think anyone is trying to brush them aside with the ages-old excuse "Oh well they're not a TRUE atheist" in quite the same way that religious people do for those of their respective faith who misbehave. 

There will probably be more at some point in the future, no guarantees at this point as I have been VERY BUSY with school (and my so-far straight-A record can attest to this.)

Essentially, no idea or belief is above criticism or reproach, especially when said ideas and beliefs are used as an excuse to justify acting like a total ass. Eventually, I think religious belief will become so wishy-washy and watered down, or so extreme and disgusting, that most reasonable minded people will disregard it entirely and just live their fucking lives. 
The eventual iradication of religious influence might not necessarily solve all of the world's problems, but it'd probably knock a decently sized chunk out.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Get Help, A.S.A.P.

What you're about to see is probably going to make your jaw drop from disgust, but I think you should see it nonetheless. These are screen-caps of some kind of mental/emotional breakdown from some dude that I deployed with in Iraq. Before this jerk used to come to my room late at night and hit on me CONSTANTLY (to include following me to my room a couple of times, then begging me not to tell his wife about his behavior) it's almost hard to believe that we were at one point, friends. That was a different time and he was a VERY different person.

NOW look at him... 

Gee, who's fault do you think THAT is...?

After having read these for yourself, you may find it curious to know that this bigoted insanity came from the mind of a black man (hash-tag "self-loathing")

Folks, as much as I shit-talk organized religion for it's en-masse absurdity and brazen endorsement for such hateful fucking behavior, at least I can honestly say that I've never stooped to the level of wishing death upon a group of people that I don't like. And I DEFINITELY don't have the arrogance to blame other people when I get called out for my occasional bad behavior (it has happened before, I'm an adult and I'm not ashamed to admit it.) No, I'm not sorry for posting this all over the Internet: It NEEDS to be seen, addressed and taken care of. 

Barring my inherent inability to forgive people who remain unapologetic for any wrongdoing they've done upon me, Jamie is also, obviously, very sick and needs help. 

Soldiers, there's a lesson to be learned from this: Never ever EVER piss off your P.A.O. 

24-JULY-2014 UPDATE: Nice try, Jamie, but that passive-aggressive bull-shit doesn't work on me. Thank you for proving me right about your psychosis, though. Don't ever try to contact me again.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Text-Book Definition of Awkward...

Sometime last year, I wrote a 4-part series of stories about a sketchy "Spiritual Leader" who was operating in Portland Maine in the early 2000's. Well, here's what's up: I have a Final due tomorrow, so I've been working myself to exhaustion trying to get that one last essay finished before class and I decided to take a wee YouTube break to entertain myself. While I'm thoroughly enjoying the fruits of my recent discoveries in the creepy-pasta short-horror genre, it's getting dark outside and I sought out something a bit more light-hearted in nature for this evening's delights. I found myself looking up YouTube videos of parrots behaving oddly. Macaws, cockatoos, amazons, you name it. 

I used to have a pet cockatiel way back in the day, her name was J.J. She was the sweetest little thing with wings, I sure do miss her. 

So here's me, killing some otherwise useful cramming-time looking up video clips of these adorable birds, when I happened to click on ONE of a Hyacinth Macaw sitting with it's owner out on a porch. I realized too late that I didn't quite read the owner's name clearly before I had actually clicked the link, but by then it was far too late and the video began to load anyway. I KNEW the name looked familiar, followed by the Z. initial after it. Then when the video itself actually began to play, I took a good long look but I barely recognized his face. He no longer resembles the Z. that I once followed, it was his voice (and the name & user-icon of his YouTube channel) that gave it away.

Do you have any idea what a weird feeling it is to see the face & hear the voice of someone you've grown to despise over the years, mostly because you discovered far too late that that person wasn't who or what they said they were, then to accidentally stumble across their social media posts out of the blue about a decade later WITHOUT EVEN ACTIVELY SEEKING IT OUT TO BEGIN WITH?!?!? I'm not going to link his content directly from my blog because I don't want him or his followers contacting me, not now and not ever. If you're REALLY that curious though, and I personally recommend that you NOT do this, the Hyacinth Macaw's name is apparently "Scooby" and there are several videos on his YouTube page featuring this particular bird. 

I already have enough skeletons in my closet to raise an army of the undead and lay seige to the realm of the living, I really didn't want nor do I need this. 

And yes, I'm making a bitchy blog-post about it because seeing his aged face and hearing his voice has dragged up a whole mess of shit from my past that has taken THE LAST 10+ YEARS OF MY LIFE to de-program and work through. There are New-Age circles, there are Wiccan covens, and then there are people like Z. that passive-aggressively demand your utmost devotion and obedience, along with regular "donations" that you'll never find out what they're actually being used for. 

Seriously, I could have happily lived out the rest of my life without ever having experienced this: The second-hand knowledge that someone who hijacked my at-the-time vulnerable brain for several years is apparently still up to his usual Chopra-esque shit-baggery. For real, aside from his physical appearance, according to his profile it looks like NOTHING AT ALL HAS CHANGED over the 10+ years since the last time we spoke. He's still selling his obscure brand of New-Age BS, just slapped a slightly different brand-name onto it. If there ever existed a male version of Sylvia Browne, it'd be THIS GUY!

Angry? You bet your ass I'm angry, and I'm consciously trying very hard NOT to be. Anger is a very natural human emotion that should never be ignored, and I have every right to be pissed at Z. for all the poison he pumped into my brain over the years AND had the gall to charge me money for it. I recognise that many people might find my anger a bit intense, and that's completely fine. Anyone who knows me at all KNOWS that I find ways to put my anger to constructive use whenever I can, and I'm actually not angry because I WANT to be, beacuse I really and truly DON'T. I would love to be able to forgive people who've actively done me harm and wash my hands of things, this would be a wonderful thing to be able to accomplish and probably better my emotional health as well as my own person growth as a human being.

But I can't. Try as I may, I just fucking CAN'T. 

Forgiving someone like Z., who clearly isn't sorry for lying through his teeth to people for money, would be counter-productive because he is still actively causing harm to the people that pay him for his bullshit pseudo-spiritual conspiracy theories (wether he realizes this or not is irrelevant, it doesn't change the fact that NOTHING HE SAYS can be substantially proven.) I can count on just one hand how many people have actually apologized to my face for the bad things that they've done to me, and I won't even have to use every finger on that very hand. It's pathetic, people these days seem to have NO CONCEPT of accountability for the consequences of their bad behavior. Shit, I'm a straight-up asshole to people but even I KNOW when I've gone too far! 

Now I have this essay for my English Final, plus three separate assignments within the same class, all due TOMORROW. 

I can't work like this, so I'm going to play some MINECRAFT and forget life on Earth for a while. 

Great, and now Hyacinth Macaws are ruined for me, also.

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Holy shit-a-brick, why didn't anyone tell me about these things YEARS AGO!?!? If you don't know what a Creepy-Pasta is, it's basically a short horror story or collection of stories surrounding a scary subject. Creepy-Pastas are basically online urban legends and folklore, there's even a term for phenomena like Slenderman called "fake-lore." Fake-lore is, pretty much, exactly what it's spelled out as. 

I can't stop reading these things, these short little stories are addictive. There are even Narrators that get paid (mostly via Patreon) to read them on YouTube or other Internet media. 
THIS is my favorite one of all time so far: I should warn you, it's extremely disturbing...

It's also a long one, but it's divided into sections jike entries from a blog or journal. So if you want to take a break after each entry, it's easy to do so.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Child-Free 101

A few of my closest friends have accused me of being "hostile against parenthood" or that I must "hate children" because of my previous statements about choosing NOT to have kids. That's not the least bit true, actually: I like kids plenty, I have neices & nephews that I love to bits. But don't mistake me openly expressing my personal sentiments on parenthood itself for being the same thing as saying all parents are just mindless breeders who will never know the taste of a truly free life. I don't want to have kids, I realized a long time a go that I am just NOT "Mommy-Material" and this doesn't upset me one bit. I have taken medical precautions to ensure this for myself and I have no regrets about it AT ALL, and I never believed in that "Biological Clock" bullshit, either. 

Your Grandmother very likely made up the "Biological Clock" myth to guilt your Mother into having YOU, probably for no other reason than that's what was expected of her.

And PLEASE don't think that I'm trying to be a complete asshole here, as I have friends & relatives who very recently had their frist kids becuase it's something that they really honestly wanted more than anything else in the world: They are intelligent, kind-hearted people and they'll be awesome parents because of it. I wish MORE people that had kids were like that, but I know that at least half of them could give a shit. I also wish that more people were brave enough to really think about certain social & cultural norms and honestly say NO if they find something undesirable being pressured upon them: No one in the United States ABSOLUTELY HAS TO get married, there's no law that required anyone to marry if they don't honestly want to, but I still support the rights of any consenting adult couple (or even a group of consenting adults, for all I give a shit) to marry if that's what they really want.

If anything, I think that people who engage in certain activities & institutions (marriage, parenthood, enlistment, celibacy, etc...) because on some level they feel like they HAVE TO and not because they really WANT TO, those people sap more meaning and fulfillment out of it than anything else. I'm far more offended by women who relegate themselves to the life of the eternal haus-frau and become 100% reliant on their husbands because "well what else am I supposed to do?" than I'll ever be of two grown men that love each other and want to publicly express their love and comittment in the face of that last-bastion of shitty argmunets that most people call "tradition." When I was begining my military career, I met A LOT of young Soldiers that really honestly DID NOT WANT to join the Army, but did so because family and friends pressured them into it: Many of these young men and women came from military families themselves, so they basically relegated themselves to upholding a family legacy in a day/age/society/country where for the most part, no sane human being would sign away their entire young lives during a time of war for that reason alone. Many of this misguided young'uns didn't make it through Basic Training, the rest were drummed out during A.I.T.

"Tradition" is the fall-back of those who have NOTHING LEFT of real value or substance to contribute to the conversation. And just like religious and military contexts, this is especially true in a familial one.

"Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, hey Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, hey Mommy, Mommy..."

There's no shortage of "lists" on the Internet, these days EVERYBODY has something they'd like the public to know about and the cybersphere often seems like the perfect place to brain-dump: I've done this myself many times, usually by way of this very blog that YOU, good reader, have managed to find and continue reading (and for that, you have my sincere thanks.) So I'm going to be a total cliche of myself and make another goddamn list of things often uttered by the unknowing or willfully ignorant about choosing not to have kids. 

  • "You don't have kids?" Is there ever any logical reason why, in our developed society amass with internet connectivity and large scale communication enterprises, this should ever surprise ANYONE?
  • "Why not?" Because I don't fucking want to, what's it to you if I don't? Furthermore, would you be asking me this asinine question if I were a man?
  • "It's your duty to continue your genetic line." I'm still waiting for someone to say this to a chick with Down's Syndrome, THAT ALONE should say something about how shallow and ignorant this "argument" really is.
  • "Oh, but babies are so cute..." Google image search Harlequin Ichthyosis with the safe-search feature turned OFF. Go ahead, do it. I triple-dog-fucking DARE YOU, I hope you haven't eaten anything within the last half-hour or so. Even IF you can stomach the horrifying posibility of pushing such a monstrosity out of your own vagina, consider the possibility that even relatively normal "cute" babies don't stay cute forever. At right about 2 or 3 years, they tend to hit that phase of their young lives commonly known as "The Noisy Fucking Bastard That Never Stops POOPING" years.
  • "You'll change your mind someday..." People have been telling me this since I was 16, I would usually hear this from my elder relatives. I'm 33 now, I STILL don't have any kids, I STILL don't want any, and I STILL get this same tired-ass line from time to time: Some people never learn, especially if they're lapsed-Catholic alcoholics (you know who you are)
  • "You're gonna die old and alone!" Have you ever been to a nursing home? Go ask some of the residents and staff there how often their kids or grand-kids visit them. Maybe a few of them might get sporadic visits from family members from time to time, but if EVERY old-person's family ACTUALLY took care of them in their old age, I can't help but wonder if nursing homes would even exist at all. People live, they get old, then they die: I think the best thing that anyone can do is be smart about their finances & start saving for their retirement A.S.A.P. As soon as you first ask yourself "should I start saving for retirement?" START SAVING FOR RETIREMENT!
  • "You'll need someone to carry on your legacy." And what is that legacy, exactly? I'm not the C.E.O of a company or an award winning scientist, I'm just ME. I'm weird, rebellious, promiscuous, creatively disturbed, socially awkward, quick to anger, slightly paranoid and stubborn as fuck: If I spawned a smaller, louder, hormone-driven version of MYSELF, I'm pretty sure one of us would kill the other in a Dragonball-Z style show-down.
  • "Be fruitful and multiply" Riiiiight, because that's working out SO WELL in the Third World...
  • "You're just afraid!" You're right, I'm mind-numbingly terrified of permanently disfiguring my lady-bits to the point that I'll run the risk of never being able to enjoy using them quite the same way ever again, not to mention the possibility of internal bleeding or someday dying from something called a Fistula (Yep, time for another Google image search! And don't you dare put that safe-search back on, ya pussy...) OR, more likely, the person that actually said this to me was just dying for me to knock his fucking teeth out from his ignorant, ugly fucking head.
  • "Why do you hate children?" Why don't you ask the nieces & nephews that I hand-knit presents for last Christmas? I guarantee they'll just stare at you like the presumptious, jelly-headed moron that you probably are. Accusing me of "hating children" because I don't want to be a parent is like accusing me of "hating horses" because I don't own property large enough to have one: Between a kid and a horse, I'd rather have a horse. Horses are awesome.
  • "But... you're a woman." Very astute observation, dipshit.
  • "You'll change your mind when you hold one in your arms..." Someone at a family function (but not someone I'm actually related to) actually tried to hand me their baby once, they actually told me that BECAUSE I'm a woman I'll supposedly "figure it out very quickly." AW HELL NAW! I physically stepped back, tucked my hands into my back-pockets and proceeded to give this ignorant bitch the ass-chewing of her life in full view of EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING BUILDING. How I managed to survive a term in the United States military, at times, astounds me, because I don't handle people trying to force things on me very well. At all. I actually react VERY BADLY TO THIS, and though it wasn't my honest intent to make this woman feel bad for it's own sake, I wasn't exactly going to passively accept her sexist bullshit, either. My relatives were horrified, I was fucking infuriated, I never saw this woman again. I was later told that I scared her so badly she promptly pissed herself after leaving the room, the baby started crying, too: I feel bad for the baby, it didn't know any better. That, and the poor little fuck has an absolute moron for a Mom... The moral of the story: NO means NO, and if I have to repeat myself, you're going to regret it (and probably deserve it.)
  • "Parenting can be very rewarding." So can playing the lottery, they're about on the same level in terms of input-to-result ratio in a lot of ways: I don't play lottery tickets, either.
  • "You're missing out!" If I honestly WANT to treat myself to the experience of not sleeping for several consecutive days and having to constnatly keep an eye on someone who can't even take care of themselves or even speak a coherent sentence half the time..., I'll dig out my last good set of ACUs, steal the TARDIS, go to a place in Iraq called F.O.B. Warhorse in the year 2010 and basically step-by-step re-live the first half of my deployment there. Seriously, I would rather go back to war than be a parent: I REALLY don't want to go back to war, either.
  • "But it's only natural..." It's only natural for some species to occasionally eat their own young, do you really want to have THAT conversation?
  • "Well I LOVE MY CHILDREN!" So did John Wayne Gacy, NEXT...
  • "Your life must be so empty..." Of course, I'm getting straight-A's in college and loving the ever-living piss out of my totally amazing husband for no good reason at all, really. I guess I've just been spending all of my time and effort getting the biggest academic bang from those G.I. Bill tax-payer-funded bucks, working very hard on sustaining a far-from-perfect but completely awesome marriage, volunteering my time and effort in publicly combatting the seemingly neverending plague of sexual assault/harassment and rape culture, recycling, NOT voting Republican, and finally just doing my damnedest to be a decent human being... for no reason at all -_-

I wanted to save the best/worst one for last, are you ready for this one? 

I once heard someone say that becoming a Mom was her life defining experience and that she deserved praise for not only procreating, but for coming to that realization. Look, as I've already said, I know people who ARE parents who are awesome folks and have awesome kids, and I'm happy for them all. I would never want to diminish their happiness or invalidate their experience, but nobody gets a fucking cookie because their uterus happens to work a few times. 7 billion "miracles" later, this should be obvious! If you're happy with yourself about being a Mom, then that's all well and good in it's own right, but it doesn't make you BETTER THAN a woman who ISN'T. Because what if she WANTS TO but CAN'T? What if she HAD ONE and her kid DIED? What if her kid grew up to be a peice of shit, despite her best efforts to set her/him straight? Are you somehow better than her because you have a self-defecating humunculus permanently latched onto your tit? Are you somehow morally superior to ME because I have a different set of goals in life than you did? 

If procreating is your greatest achievement in life, then your standards must be pretty fucking low.

But hey, if it's praise you want for fulfilling an every-day occurrence of biology... 

... Enjoy your "legacy", but I think I'll pass.